So the subject that has been on my mind for a while has been conflict. Not physical but spiritual and emotional conflict. This has been on my mind because I an struggling as a person and as a christian or more to the point not struggling or even trying to fight back. I like pritty much s everybody else have vices that I struggle with but over the last couple mounths I have just stoped trying to rise above them it’s like I have laied down and died. One of these is in my self control and it is the root of the other things that I struggle with. Some people like to refer to a lack of self control as someone not being properly motavated but you can have all the motivation in the world and still fail because it takes self control to stick to something. That is the problem I can’t stick to any of my plans or goals and I have always fought this but that’s the point I have always in the past fought it and now I am just giving up and I can’t seem to get myself back in the fight. A good example is this blog, I was really excited to start it and do the work but then I just let other things get in the way. Another example is my relashionship with God. I want to be closer to him and spend time each day in the bible learning and growing but I don’t. I am in conflick with myself and i am losing the fight. Who are we if we just give up, we are shells of what we could be we are hollow and we know it so the other vices are used to fill the hole but they don’t they just make the feeling stronger. I have to fight back but I feel like I am so far gone that I don’t know how to any more. Even that is a lie that I tell myself because I still know how to fight back but i am afraid to do it. Right now the way things are I am avoiding taking responsability for myself and my actions. Shooting myself down so that I can run away from my problems for awhile. That does not get me anyware what I need to do I sit befor the lord and be honest with him because he already knows what is going on but I need to come to grips with it and ask for help befor he can step in. My current situation brings new meaning to the verse “I can do all things through God who strengthens me” people use this verse for strength but they don’t consider the reason for it’s need to be stated, you need Gods strength because you can not do anything on just your strength alone. I know that in my head and have for a while but in my heart it is still something I am I conflict with still something I have a hard time accepting as true all the time not just when I am overwhelmed. I want to do things on my own and that is what pulls me away from God who is the source of all of my self contol and stength and when I am pulled away from that I cannot function as I want to. Life doesn’t have to be this hard, Jesus said “my yoke is easy and my burdon is light” the reson that he said this I because God want to bare you burdon for you. We are not strong enough to handle the load that we take on ourselfs not alone anyways and yet we do all of us everyday and if we would just give it up to the lord than we would be free
But we are like children clutching on to our burrdons for dear life saying no you can’t have this without this I don’t know who I am. We often define ourselfs by our struggles, by how stuborn we are so the thought of giving up and asking for help isna hard pill to swallow but that is not defeat that is victory. I have to face the results of my actions and make a mends In order to get back in the fight I order to win I have to be willing to give up fighting on my own because the way i have been doing things has led me to defeat.
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- June 21, 2010 / 3:41 pm