At the moment lost is the best way to describe how I feel and in this post I am going to flat out be a little self indulgent and just reflect on where I am at right now.
Things are hard right now as they are for allot of people but unlike most people ( that is to refer to the 13% of californians without a job right now) I do have a job and so does my wife and yet we still find ourselves struggling to keep our heads above water. This is not just a financial problem for us though it is one that extends to every aspect of our life’s. I am struggling with doubt and that doubt is crushing and I am not leaning on god to remove that doubt instead I am pulling away from him which is just making things worse. Even though I know that knuckling down and getting back to god will only help me I can’t seem to do it and hold on to it. I am wallowing in self pity and a feeling of utter defeat.
The thing that really gets me about it is the number of things I have to be thankful for my wife, my daughter, my job ( even though I hate it), the people around us so eager to help. These are just a few and yet still I can’t hold on to my joy for more than a moment before feeling once again that the whole thing is crashing down on us and that it is my fault that it is happening. Who else can I blame though, I am the one who is responsible for my family. If I had done a better job of leading and listening to god than we wouldn’t be in this situation. Now I don’t know how to safely get us out. Even if did I don’t think I would trust my judgment enough to commit to a plan. This is how lost I feel right now as though I have made so many mistakes that I am now standing at a fork in the road and I don’t trust myself to chose either path.
I don’t know where to go from here god and I could really use some guidance.
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- February 1, 2011 / 5:12 am